Recorded Memory from memory through the passing of time

In 2009, when I was discerning entering the convent, I was asked to write a basic “conversion/discernment story”, and because I counted this experience as significant decided to include this dream in it.

After reading an article online that questioned the memory and record of someone who defected from North Korea to the USA, I wondered about the effect of time and other factors on memory.
I’ve decided to share a comparative report of a dream I had from when I was 19-20 years old, to how I remembered it (with more detail in some areas, and some minor discrepancies) in late February when I am now 32. I dreamt it when I was 12.

From the record of 2009:

One night in a feeling of ecstatic prayer, I pleaded with Jesus to allow me to suffer with Him so that He wouldn’t “feel alone,” or at least to allow me to suffer with others. Part of it was purely selfish, but the Blessed Trinity had given me the courage to ask for His suffering. After I had gone to sleep, I had a dream-vision, the first I was aware of.

When it happened My family and I, and a few other people were gathered at a cabin-house. The temperature began dropping in the room, severely, so I went up the stairs to get blankets. When I came back down, after distributing them, I heard a little girl calling “Mommy… Mommy!” over and over. So, I went outside to see what was going on. The little girl was “transparent” almost. She had long blond hair and looked somewhere between 6 and 12 years old. So, I went back inside when I saw all these nasty storms heading our way, after trying to usher the girl in, but it was as though she didn’t hear me. Storms of a kind unknown to man. The television didn’t work and the radio cut out after someone screaming “RUN!!” Everyone at the cabin decided to split into several different groups, and leave. So we did. I split with my Mom, and my little sister was with Dad, and everyone else formed more groups. Mom and I got into one of the cars and (Mom drove) went down the roads. I looked back and the massive black cloud started to tail us, but once I thought it was going to swallow the car, it went above us and settled about a few miles away on the ground. We knew it was bad. And then the car stopped working, so we got out and we ran. There were a lot of other people running too, and we all ran through a lake, or some form of a larger body of water. When we got through about half of the water (swimming), everything “blipped”.

The next thing I know, I’m standing on the top of a mountain-like cliff, overlooking all below (including the black storm cloud that was resting on the ground), and I was scared because there was no one in sight anywhere. But I noticed movement in the cloud, and looked at it (still about 2-3 miles away, and several feet below). It began to part towards the bottom, and I saw what looked like a submarine door. I stared in alarm and curiosity, as it opened, and the Devil appeared. He was sickly, emaciated, had black curly hair and ice-blue eyes (which oddly almost looked pitch black themselves), and torn, or shredded, massive red wings of a dragon that came out of his back. He saw me and flew up to where I was, and circled around me looking me up and down. He offered me a “tour” of Hell, when he thought he had convinced me that God decided to leave me here and abandon me, appearing (key word) “sympathetic”. I paused a moment, and decided to try one last time to look for anyone, so I said “give me time to think it over”. He appeared satisfied with my response, and left. I turned and somehow everything “blipped” again.

I wandered around the world, particularly to the houses of my friends and my own, trying to find any sign that I wasn’t the only one left on the planet. My friends’ houses were absolutely desolate of life. The computers didn’t work, the phones, electricity, television, nothing. Soon, I end up choosing to “wing it” and “see what happens”. So I go back, by “teleportation (???)”. And I went  to the cloud, still settled on the ground, and pounded on the door. It opened and the Devil begins leading me down the steps. Red and black stalactite and stalagmite were all over the place, and the floors were“red.” There was fire, but it wasn’t hot in temperature, almost deathly cold. I was being led through the lowest level. In the middle of the tour, the Devil went away from me for a moment to discuss something with one of his minions. I’m standing at the middle of a line of people chained to the floor, all emaciated and sickly, eyes sunken in and all color is gone from their skin. Each of them had a tray with a single piece of rotten apple and a crust of bread in front of them as they lay there. But I see a girl with blond hair gaze up at me, and I crouch down and begin to reach out to her. Suddenly, the Devil grips my arm and pulls me up, and starts to forcibly lead me through the halls, and I jerk my arm away.  Demons begin to circle me, and by then I became scared.

A light came down from above, and turned out to be St. Michael (Archangel). He warred intellectually with the Devil and then picked me up and carried me upwards. Next thing I know, I’m standing (kneeling, sitting, I don’t remember) in front of God. I’m completely shocked at what just happened. He asked me “Why didn’t you call My Name?” I didn’t even know how to answer that, so I just spilled the truth, that I had actually thought I had been forgotten. After some more conversation, somehow it got to my ears that Hell and all those in it were going to be completely destroyed. I thought of the girl, and the others chained who I had seen in passing. I asked “If I can find one soul who deserves to be saved, will You spare them all, or at least let me be obliterated in their place?” He agreed. So I asked for more, 5 souls, 15 souls, 20 souls, and jumped to 100 even.

Again, He agreed. He gave me a helmet and told me to not ever take it off, so I put it on my head. He let me down again, this time on the stairs as though I were already in there without the door.

The Devil comes up to me again, having been alerted to having “another visitor”. So he pretended to be oblivious about how “Meghan had been taken”. So I got to wander around a bit, passing the line of people who I had crossed the earlier trip, and I did not see the girl among them. I saw the Devil in a cranky mood, and looked at me suspiciously. I had the helmet on, and the Devil approached me, and began trying to convince me to take it off and show my face, with the usual taunts. It wasn’t working. So, he began to be craftier, and it was as though I went into a trance. In the whole thing, I took off the helmet. The Devil, hateful beyond my capacity, went to grab me, aided by many varieties of demons. I was terrified out of my wits, and then Saint Michael came down again, picked me up, and carried me back to God.

This time, God asked me “Why did you take off the helmet?” and again, I had no response. I know better than to try and “point the finger” like Adam and Eve did (to each other, and to the Serpent), so I basically accepted that I allowed myself to be tricked, and was sorry I had done so, and there was a reconciliation between God and myself.
Then I woke up.

How I composed the story from memory in 2021:

There was a budding conversion point when I was 12 years old that was two-fold, first for Faith and then for Charity. It was what opened the door to everything.
I had no supernatural Faith; I know we are gifted with that at our Baptism, but I had lost it. But one day, after uttering a curse, there was a storm, and it was one mightier than what the amounts of pent up anger in me could identify with; I prayed what I consider to be the first real “prayer from the heart”. I decided to be frank with God about not knowing if He was real or, if He was, if He listened or not, if He would or would not. I asked Him that if He is real, He would not let anyone get hurt by the storm. I either didn’t think He was mightier than the storm to stop it, or else felt that it would be too presumptuous of me to ask Him to stop the storm after what I did – probably the latter more. I watched it rage about outside through the window, and eventually put my head in my hands and shut my eyes tight, tired of it. The storm did eventually pass, and there was a lot of damage/debris. But I had walked downstairs to the Family room and Dad had turned on the local news. The reporter on the news called it “a miracle that no one was injured by this storm”. And that was that.
My heart was closed, the “waters had become as wormwood”. Later that year, I had met a friend who suffered greatly, things I saw that were unfair for any child. She was the first person to express some empathy and compassion to me despite it. And one night just before I would go to bed, I would ask God to let me suffer what other people suffer so that they wouldn’t have to feel they were alone in it. But that night, I had a dream unlike any other ever before it.

When it began, many people were in an old house together. Many people. It was very cold, dark, and there were various sorts of storms raging slightly in the distance outside. One lady heard the call of her young deceased daughter calling her from outside, and went outside to see, but only I could see her. The ghost and I stared at each other, mutually surprised at us acknowledging each other that way. I walked the lady back inside. There was no heating in the building, only blankets. Very impoverished, but we had vehicles and some necessities stored away. We would eat sparingly. There was no telecommunication, no phones, no television, but we had candles and battery-powered lanterns, and an old-fashioned radio. But on the radio, there was an alert that a mighty black cloud of smoke was racing along the ground and heading toward our general vicinity. So we took only ourselves, separated into the few vehicles we had at our utility, and left everything behind. The only plan we had was to stay ahead of the cloud. Many more people than just us were on the run as well. It was my mother and I driving together. We planned to meet up all together again. My mother drove the vehicle, but she parked it. There was a crowd of people also running on foot, and we were going to join them. The black cloud was nearly at our heels. We ran. But then we ran into water, very deep water, and we sank, and everything went dark.

The next thing I know, I am in daylight, standing atop a raised plateau field at the side of a mountain. There were scattered flowers in the field behind me. In front of my feet it was a rocky ledge. I could see as far as the horizon, and I took in my surroundings. It was silent. Silence hung thick in the air. I chanced looking down. At the base of the mountainside, was the black cloud, sitting there. It pulled back to reveal a door opening, and the Devil emerged. Black beach-wave curl hair, ice-blue eyes, and great red draconic wings that were battle-worn with tears-holes and slashes in the leather. It was an intimidating sight when he looked up at me and flew up to face me directly. His smirk was eerie as he hovered and circled me slowly as if eyeing me up and down.

I do not remember which of us said something first, but he made an offer with an extended hand. I countered about God, and it was then he got to the point about there being nothing left for me except to come with him, since if supposedly God were to come for me or anyone He would have already. I told him I was going to take 24 hours to think it over and to see for myself if he said true that I was literally all that was remaining of humanity in the world. He was cocky and looked annoyed but didn’t fight me on it.

I then left and would eventually find myself looking for my best friend and arrived at her parent’s house. It was as if I could almost teleport myself across expanses so long as I could visualize where I wanted to stand. Inside, every possession she had owned was still in its place, and her computer worked, but there was no trace of her, or her parents, or anyone. I went elsewhere and came to the conclusion that it was true that I really was all that remained. It puzzled me and wounded me a little, but I decided that if this were so then God must have His reasons. So I returned to the plateau, and Lucifer offered his hand again. I wouldn’t take it. God had His reasons, right?

He grabbed and carried me, he had swoop-scoop-grabbed and carried me bridal-style, down to the door. The door looked like something from a submarine, like impenetrable dark gray steel, a matte charcoal color, with a round turn-wheel. He opened it and led me inside. The passage was narrow and rocky, but it somehow sufficed for steps. It was as if he were showing off, giving a tour. He and I passed by an almost-endless-seeming row of poor souls chained to the base, and a tray was given each of them with a single slice of apple and a single crust of bread.

One of the chained in particular caught my eye. She was young like me, with straight blond hair and blue eyes, and she seemed to be looking at me pleading for help, so I crouched down to be closer to eye-level with her. It was then that Lucifer took notice (as if he had been walking ahead of me so far that he didn’t even know I had stopped following altogether), and suddenly grabbed my upper arm tightly and hauled me back onto my feet. He had a really mad expression, as if he intended to hurt or “punish” me for extending a gesture of compassion. It was then that a brilliant angel came down from above. Lucifer had to let go. And this angel carried me up with him.

The next thing I know, I am standing before the Throne of God. He sat upon it, and I could make out only very faintly a very giant figure. I couldn’t comprehend what I was beholding but couldn’t kneel or bow or prostrate (as if I knew how to do any of that?). I honestly didn’t know what to do at all. I couldn’t speak. God did, and He asked me, “Why didn’t you call?” As in, why didn’t I call when I was running from the grounded black cloud, when I was standing on the plateau ledge, when I saw Lucifer, when he tried to plant doubt and despair in me, when I realized I was “alone” in the world, etc. I was ashamed, and rightly so, having no excuse for that.

God gave me somehow the insight that He intended to destroy Hell and everyone and everything of and in it. God permitted me to think again on the girl I saw, and I asked if He would consider it acceptable to deliver her if I took her place there, or if He would spare Hell complete elimination if I could find even one person there who I considered worth sparing. A sort of Abrahamic moment. He gave me a helmet, told me to never under any circumstances to take it off, and then same angel who rescued me returned me to the “submarine” door.

I thought the helmet would conceal my identity (ha, I thought wrong – keep reading). It covered my head and much of my face. When I walked in, I began searching for that girl, intending to free her myself then, but I could not find her. Instead, Lucifer was intrigued, or seemed to be. “Who is this?” But I could tell he was also suspicious, thinly veiled. There were other demons present this time, as if they had just gotten out of a session of whatever they did, but none would interfere. He began to question me as if he couldn’t tell by the rest of me who I was and tried by efforts to convince me to remove the helmet.

For a while I did refuse, not knowing how to answer at that point because I thought I was “incognito” and was supposed to conceal who I was, but I did not know what came over me… because feeling that pressure, I eventually removed it. Then he went to grab at me again, and this time he was not concealing his seething anger, saying “Did you think I did not know it was you!” And the other demons circled me so there was no way to escape the moment I began to look around. Well… that same brilliant angel descended again, and again picked me up and carried me back to the Throne of God.
Then I got the biggest humiliation I could endure. He said, “I told you to not remove it. Why did you?” But I had no excuse, I was allowed to feel embarrassment at myself, and didn’t know how to answer. Anyway, He wouldn’t let me leave after that, and I didn’t particularly want to leave either.
The rest of the time was spent in quiet stillness… and then I woke up.

Published by endallwar8894

Just a little Catholic living a hidden multidimensional life.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: