Dear His Holiness, Eminences, Graces, Excellencies, Reverend Fathers, and beloved brothers and sisters in Christ Jesus Our Lord and God,
I hope this finds each of you well. I do not know whether it is necessary for such a letter to be composed, but I was beginning to feel apprehensive and wished to anticipate the possibility. We are living in a time of extreme lobbying from those who do not consider the desires of the Heart of Christ, and this from those within the Church is neither something new nor foreign, going back to the times of the interfamilial conflict between the Borgias and Medicis etc. I know, it’s cliché to keep referencing these notorious families of the Renaissance era when speaking of corruption among those within the ranks of Holy Mother Church, but at least one soul from one of those warring families was raised by Christ to high sanctity, right? I’m speaking of Saint Francis Borgia. The Jesuit who established reforms, yes? I have heard that the Pontifical Commission “Ecclesia Dei” has been suppressed, and so I wish to do something new from my normal self-limiting communications in reaching out to you through this avenue. I want to share (1) what brought me to the Tridentine Rite, and between the Novus Ordo and Tridentine Rite (2) the differences in my interior disposition during Mass and (3) the differences I’ve experienced relative to spiritual warfare.
Guardian Angel’s Instruction – What brought me here:
When I received my First Communion, I was 8 years old; I received as an individual, not as one among a class, on August 6 1996. I was raised in a culture and home environment that indoctrinated “independence” and self-sufficiency as the highest value. So it should come as no major surprise that I chose to receive my First Communion in the hand… not even from the Priest himself, but from the hand of my own father (the Priest was not really invested in my life to me personally, he was not teaching, instructing, guiding, or enriching me, so I held him in no confidence and poor regard and esteem, a bad habit that has not yet been put to death due to a difficulty trusting other people in general). My father tried to encourage me to prefer to receive from the hands of the Priest, but I was very stubborn and uncomfortable with receiving anything from a stranger, even if in front of a crowd at Mass on the Feast of the Transfiguration. Thinking back, I feel very sad for the Priest and how I regarded him, but at the same time what else was to be expected of an 8 year-old who was presented with so many options, like the liberal use of Lay Extraordinary Ministers at Mass.
When I was somewhere between 12-14 years old, I was still receiving in the hand. But for some reason, on a particular day at Mass I wanted to keep Him with me longer. So instead of receiving and consuming the Eucharist right away, I carried the Host back to the pew with me and consumed there. Back then, I was completely ignorant about Satanism and ritual desecrations etc, so I had no idea why nearly everyone there was giving me weird looks while I was returning to the pew after receiving. I remember feeling deeply uncomfortable toward them, like a new adolescent would, but decided I was going to content myself with Jesus in the Eucharist. Such would be the case that throughout my life I would not ever truly feel like I was part of a community of the faithful, being dependent and attending Mass wherever my father would attend. After we got home that day, I asked my father about their staring at me and whispering amongst themselves, and told him each detail of what happened in succinct order. He caught on and told me what they were most likely thinking. I tried to not show how much that disturbed me, but it was definitely among the most harrowingly mortifying experiences of my Catholic life to be thought of as a thief or a witch or a Satanist, as I was/am neither. We wouldn’t return to that parish for quite some time for the sake of sparing me any possible unwanted or notably negative attention.
Throughout high school, my father introduced me to the prayers of the Rosary while driving home from school, and I attended Mass when able, with the all-school Masses of the Diocesan high school I attended, and a private Mass that was made available on Friday mornings before school in the chapel. Throughout college I was attending daily Mass and praying the Rosary daily with a couple close friends amidst some regular terrible spiritual persecution and harassment I suffered from some demons themselves on a level which would parallel what was endured by the early virgin martyrs. It was during my college years that I would rather die than not receive Our Lord in the Most Blessed Sacrament every day.
The first time I was introduced to the Tridentine Rite was after I graduated college. I had no appreciation for the Tridentine Rite, and the way I heard others talking about it so favorably in what I felt to be shallow pretenses (to veil and look/dress like Mary etc), after having been raised with only the Novus Ordo in our yoga-pant and skinny-jean culture, didn’t sit well with me at all. I couldn’t bring myself to try to be agreeable enough to fit in with the “Traditionalists” – I never could particularly fit in anyway, all throughout my life, I was always very stubborn and willful. However, at my age finally carrying a modicum of maturity, I did accept (after having been discerning Consecrated Religious Life and hearing Dominicans biased for Dominican spirituality and Franciscans biased for Franciscan spirituality etc) that people have their preferences and natural biases, and so I ultimately wouldn’t hold anything against them – God calls people to where He calls them, even if I didn’t “get it” or even if I had no willingness or desire to “get it”. I didn’t know what to ask and was a basic spectator at that point.
It was not until ~2014 when things really began to dramatically shift for me interiorly. I was attending a N.O. Mass, committed to attend daily still, and was struggling very badly with distractions and feeling as though I were only going through the motions. It was maddening and I couldn’t endure this and had asked my Guardian Angel how I could get relief from that state of distraction and “more deeply live the Gospel during Mass”. He immediately taught me himself (by crisp clear mental communication) to receive Holy Communion on the tongue and as physically able while kneeling. Specifically, he taught me to humble myself before the King of kings Who humbled Himself to become Bread for my soul. He taught me that when I go down to the earth (as to mortify my flesh) I should instead allow myself to be raised by the Body, Blood, Soul and Divinity of Christ, rather than try to grasp at the glory of God and what He wants to be the One to do and accomplish Himself within and for me. It was as if my receiving in the hand and feeding myself signified to the angels an image of my being raised to new life attempted by the work of my own hands. The latter was identifiably Pelagianistic, wasn’t it, not that I knew what Pelagianism even was, and could be mistaken even now. When I first did this I was visiting St Michael’s in Worthington, Ohio. I did it alone, and it was dreadfully uncomfortable to do it alone out of everyone else there, to go against the grain, swim against the tide. It would not be the only time, “for better or for worse”, that I would find myself being called for my own spiritual growth to let myself stand out. After passing through that discomfort, consolation took place of it. (Try to imagine being such a selfish unprofitable spiritual baby that you need your Guardian Angel to tell you “You did well” just for doing what you should be doing anyway…) For what would feel like a long time, I would be the only one doing this wherever I was attending daily Mass then.
Still years later, I suffered a particular demonic affliction to the point of being severely tempted to unbelief in the Real Presence in the early Summer of 2018. A lot contributed to it. It had nothing had to do with the Mass or my experience of the Mass itself to that point, because I would gravitate towards wherever the Novus Ordo Mass would be most reverently celebrated and wherever it was most likely that I would find at least a semblance of community. Our Lord and I had conversed in Holy Communion periodically through the years. I had become very confused and disoriented spiritually in 2017-2018, however. I actually resisted the suggestion given by the devils that claimed the Mass was (their words) “just one of many rituals that are important to some in the world; there are some characters that are real and others that are like programs in a machine; many of them aren’t real, and so what they do isn’t actually real and has no bearing on what transpires.” And they communicated, summarily, “the point of existing in this program is to be able to do whatever it is you will to do within it with freedom from consequence, and figure out how to do it without encroaching on the wills of others doing the same for themselves.” Or perhaps I should say I tried to resist it, but the human intellect and human reason cannot overcome those that operate with a preternatural intellect. The conclusion I drew from what they were flooding into my mind was culminating in the Priests being programs of a machine and the Eucharist not being real (which completely contradicted personal previous experience of the Eucharist Itself, but human reason and memory can fail). It took Divine Intervention against the demonic suggestion that followed it to assisted suicide (to leave a world I once believed in that was evidently built on a “programmed” entirely-false perception of reality) – they were offering to assist me in leaving this programmed world in as painless a way as possible. It took Divine Intervention to start the recovery of what the purpose of this life is for. It was a very slim and narrow window for me to even consider inquiring of their Uncreated Source at that point, but God answered; He communicated to me that the purpose of this life is to live and order one’s choices and actions toward only one of two final destinations, and that such human relationships are crucial and necessary to this end. Following that, within the successive recovery period my Guardian Angel taught me aright what else I had been misled about from the previous season. At that time, I determined that I had had enough of going along just to get along.
It was not until later that year when I could no longer resist the objection welling up from within me, and I began to break the Communion line formation in order to avoid stepping on any fragments/particles that had fallen from the hands of my brothers and sisters who had received the Consecrated Host in the hand before I received on the tongue. Again, this left me terribly uncomfortable, to stand out, but I had to stop imposing spiritual blindness upon myself for the sake of coming into a measure of spiritual maturity in Christ. I had had many occasions on and off of becoming upset over it, and I had tried my best to quash it every time to that point, thinking I was being “too judgmental” of others or “not focused on having received Christ” myself. Even a Priest who I had confided in had pressed me to violate my conscience about this (there was another occasion where he would snatch my chapel veil off of my head in 2016, as he was assuming either that I was being sucked into some TLM cult or was just a shallow young woman in general), and that ironically played a key role in pushing me away from attending the Novus Ordo.
For a few years I thought of gradually going over to the TLM community. I was extremely hesitant, having already assumed it was going to be another cultish community. In 2012 I had had some experience with religious personality cults in my life and was not eager to enter another one. Within this period, however, I also learned how then-Archbishop Joseph Bernadin had lobbied and pushed for the normalization of the reception of Communion in the hand in disobedience to the (now canonized) Pope. I later learned the same Archbishop and then-Cardinal was party to sexually molesting youth in overtly-Satanic rituals, when James Grein gave testimony as an adult survivor of it. It is not hard to connect the dots, and while I am not interested in judging everyone who receives Communion in the hand, I stand against it and against the communities and individuals who propagate or require it. Recently, however, due to how the Novus Ordo is presided over in this country and how there is absolutely no care of security given for the Source and Summit of our Catholic Faith (the Sacrament of the Holy Eucharist) even in the sanctuaries consecrated for communal worship, I have been unable in good conscience to step foot in any parish/church where the reception of Holy Communion in the Hand is treated to any special protection or enforced status. There have been too many times where demons have been given easy reign in and among these parishes, and here I speak of “parishes” as architectural institutions and as interpersonal communities.
This reminds me of how the care and security of babies in the womb are also not given the time of day, a circumstantial parallel between the sanctuaries of communal Catholic worship being made into places of sanctioning sacrileges and desecrations, and the wombs of mothers subjected to legalized violence, with both Our Lord in the Most Blessed Sacrament and the babies themselves being indisputably innocent of any crime – unless to exist and to be present is deemed a crime. There is no equality nor balance of “issues” when the corpus of innocent Images of God are made subject to its destruction by evil-doers.
There has been another recent development relative to the Plan of God overcoming my preferences. I had been veiling at Mass since 2015, having made my own veil with the help of a very dear friend. But as far as the aggravation concerning the pressure I felt I was under to “be and dress like Mary”, I was surmising that everyone alive today who would say anything of that had to be basing it off of their own idea or fantasies of Mary. Strangely, during an event of demonic harassment, that cultural and temperamental resistance – and preference for my own personal subjective brand of “modesty” – was eliminated and replaced with the preference for even Our Lady’s wardrobe modesty. The desire to learn her Virtues already existed, but again I had been resisting any sentimentality presented about it from everyone around me, and even from myself when I was able, because I wanted any expression thereof from me to be real in the sense of being authentically rooted and substantial. I was never the lukewarm sort nor would I ever be satisfied with superficial appearances. I did formerly believe that if one would perhaps start with the external gesture, the internal disposition would automatically follow, but it doesn’t.
Upon transitioning to the Tridentine Rite, and having been among them for a time, I want to offer a brief word concerning the community life. I used to suspect that they would be like a separate cult or sect, and listening to those among them who have grown very bitter and tired of all the liturgical abuse taking place in Novus Ordo parishes, I can understand how it’s perceivable to assume that “Traditionalists” are “cultish”. Traditionalists have a lot of valid things to complain about. Unfortunately with regard to the Novus Ordo devotees, it is lost to them that whatever accusations are leveled against Traditional Catholic communities are just as much present (if not more so) in Novus Ordo communities, because human beings are human beings and human nature is what it is. Sin is not somehow less a crisis in Novus Ordo communities than it is in Traditionalist communities. Upon sharing details of my story with those in the community of “Traditionalists”, I have found them not to be “cultish” but entirely human, and quite sincerely far more compassionate and pastoral than those who are so dismissively (in the words of a certain Bishop) “committed to the new”. I have found them to have been marginalized and persecuted and oppressed by Clergy who failed to care for them pastorally, and by fellow members of the Catholic Church who submit themselves to propaganda promulgated by precisely those gravely sinful Bishops who are against maintaining any authentic unity among the members of Our Lord’s Mystical Body (by looking down upon those of the Tridentine and even the numerous Eastern Catholic Rite communities). Even when those in the Traditional community are at their best as individuals, many of those in the Novus Ordo (of Clerical and Lay state alike) do not care to want to live well with them, and that is the situation. It is predominantly those who push the Novus Ordo who run roughshod over and who gaslight Traditional Catholics. Persons from both “camps” can and do make Our Lord suffer profusely and relive His Agony in the Garden of Olives over and over and over again, and this is unacceptable. However, it is the Traditional Catholics who have a natural reverence for the hierarchy and for the REAL Great Commission by Our Lord, which is built upon by Our Lord’s explicit verbatim in the Gospel, and throughout the witness of Our Lady and the Saints. Words untested as testament of paternal and fraternal love are shallow and are going to be regarded as follows: “Charm is deceptive and beauty is fleeting, but a woman who fears the Lord is to be praised” (Prov 31:30). After all, “Hail, Mary, full of grace. The Lord is with thee” (Lk 1:28) and “Blessed art thou among women, and blessed is the fruit of thy womb” (Lk 1:42).
What interior differences I experience between the Novus Ordo (cultural vernacular) Mass and the Traditional Latin Mass:
When I transitioned to attend exclusively the Tridentine Rite, I noticed within myself the interior development of concerning myself with what is pleasing to Our Lord, out and away from focusing on what is pleasing to me. I have been very happy for myself and for the Priest-Celebrant to see him leading those attending the Traditional Latin Mass by example of the Christocentric (not necessarily geographic) “ad orientem”. I can say that for me personally, the possessive expectation to see and hear audibly and explicitly everything the Priest says and does within the Novus Ordo Mass came with me into the TLM due to an anxious disorder I developed within attending only the N.O. However, within the Tridentine Rite, this anxious disorder dissipated with confidence in the Priest that he would always properly Consecrate the sacred species. Ecclesiastical Latin, Latin itself, is a “dead language”, and so the meaning of the words and the prayers and Consecration are fixed and cannot be altered.
I have experienced a positive growth spiritually in spite of ongoing demonic harassment. Before I continue, I feel it important to say something more about this, namely that I hope you will reserve judgment when I relate about my spiritual experiences, because the demons and I have a very involved history. I was quite a spiritual troglodyte despite a mystical bend/attraction, recognizing the proximity of the demonic more than the holy. I was like a child surrounded by moving objects that eclipsed the light, and very distracted with how great the shadows were that those objects casted, and I became conditioned to be comfortable with that experience of the demons “role-playing” to me as the “norm” for me (they would not appear to me as terrifying, hideous, etc, even though their forms were a bit questionable at times). Through those experiences, from those who would more readily tyrannize me I learned what they loathed and pursued that, but not only by the reactivity of the demonic. There were souls of those who were deceased, and some of the holy ones too. Ultimately, the two most significant defenses communicated to me were Daily Mass and the Rosary.
The difference relative to spiritual warfare of what I have experienced between attendance at the Novus Ordo and at the Tridentine Rite:
While attending the Novus Ordo, the demon known as Antichrist (I could share his real name, but will not except in a very privatized and as-prudent-as-possible means – you have to actually merit my confidence first, or else it will take Divine Intervention rebuking me calling my refusal as coming from behavior disrespectful toward your Office) would often slip about to me during Mass. He would take and use the vernacular to twist the meaning of what was actually said, and impress his corruption of it upon my mind. I witnessed the total inversion and blasphemous mockery of the Holy Mass and the Gospel. He also often sought to hurt me to prevent my even attending Mass daily (N.O.), especially when I was in college.
While attending the Novus Ordo, the Devil would approach from behind me and never show any disturbance with my attendance at Mass nor with the Mass itself.
While attending the Novus Ordo, there were often many subordinate demons present to me and in the sanctuaries/chapels, and these were always eager and able to do me tangible harm inside these sanctuaries and chapels.
While attending the Tridentine Rite, Antichrist is still able to harass me on occasion, but cannot twist the language nor the words of the prayers or of the Gospel in my mind to suggest it mean something that it doesn’t. From him, now in the TLM, my issue becomes a need to learn to exercise more custody over the faculty(?) of my imagination during Mass and improving my focus on Christ throughout.
While attending the Tridentine Rite, the Devils (the mightiest bunch among the demons) can still approach me but have shown an anxious disturbance with my attending and with the Mass itself, being much more eager to try to distract or interrupt my attention themselves directly rather than leave it up to a subordinate more likely to fail.
While attending the Tridentine Rite, I have experienced no sight, sense, or perception of any subordinate demons, and both Antichrist and the devils are extremely nervous to do me any tangible harm.
***That is, until a Novus Ordo Mass is offered in a Latin Mass parish. With the reception of Communion in the hand (which is a sacrilege), particles fall and Our Lord becomes trampled upon (that is ritual desecration of the Eucharist). This has opened a great and wide door to the demons to infest the sanctuaries and to afflict those who are vulnerable to such attacks inside the churches. I am among those who are vulnerable, having a spiritual hypersensitivity (not to be confused with Discernment of Spirits). And so it falls to His Holiness the Pope and the Bishops to necessarily correct their present-to-date failure (they were the ones who permitted and sometimes required the reception of Holy Communion in the hand) to secure the spiritual safety of their respective diocesan jurisdictions for Catholics who inhabit their Dioceses – against the demonic – irregardless of whether those Catholics are attending the Novus Ordo parishes or the Tridentine Rite Mass or Eastern Rite Liturgies.***
I for one cannot “go back” (N.O.) from where God has brought me (TLM), and from what He has used to bring me closer to Him. Contrary to how easy it clearly is for many people in the hierarchy to talk about equating “going backward” with the Traditional Latin Mass, that idea of the TLM being “backwards” is a false equivalency on their account. The Tridentine Rite and the Novus Ordo are NOT EQUAL in either form or fruit.
I hope that what you take away from this letter is that my relationship to the Tridentine Rite developed organically and my attachment to it is neither itself a disorder nor the result of an “emotional or mental illness/disorder”. I did resist every attempt made by man to coax me to appreciate it more than I appreciated the Novus Ordo. I was attached to the Novus Ordo for myself alone, for my own “edification” as the saying goes. But God won – I was in fact led to an attachment to the Traditional Latin Mass by the holy angels as a critically essential step up toward my sanctification and salvation. To God belongs the glory for this victory over me (my will, my selfishness, my disorders, my reason, my ignorance and prejudices) and over the Evil one in this matter.
To that continuation for myself and for others, as well as to the end-purpose of yourselves NOT fighting against God and your NOT putting the eternal salvation of your own souls and souls of others in mortal jeopardy, I hope you WILL NOT EVER allow Summorum Pontificum and the Tridentine Rite, and its accessibility by the Clergy and Laity, to be either altered or suppressed. And I hope you will very seriously reflect upon and consider the necessity that the reception of Holy Communion in the hand be banned, with a return to allowing the reception of the Consecrated Host to be only on the tongue. I know there are others whose circumstances are like to my own from elsewhere around the world as well, and regardless of my personal history – my being (in my words) “the diocesan troublemaker” – most others would be conditioned to suffer these terrible pains in coerced silence. I actually do not have the tolerance for others suffering, and suffering what also I have, due to you Princes conducting yourselves with brazen ignorance toward them individually on the personal level and with blatant disregard toward their humanity, and the guilt of such a sin against Charity on those of you who do and would content yourselves so to do.
I am writing this to you despite the evils I have seen from the devils and within the Vatican and from fallen human nature. I am striving to keep in mind all the complexities of trying to navigate this from an Office that demands the respect owed all lawful authority and which obliges the extension of pastoral leadership. If the Second Vatican Council was indeed intended as a “pastoral council” as it has been advertised to us (since nothing was ever dogmatically defined in it that was not already dogmatically defined from previous Councils) and on the condition that you are interested in implementing serious pastoral reforms, I want to believe that you want to do what’s right and good for the life of the Church on earth.
I have prayed that if it is in accordance with God’s Will that I write this to you, that either of your hands will receive it and that your eyes will read its contents. If you want unity with ecumenism and peaceful coexistence with religious liberty, you must accept other Catholics’ differences and spiritual needs. We need you to be taking better care of what we Catholic souls need for our coming into maturity in Christ, and this even if we are not seen by yourselves to come to that healing and maturity on your own time table of expectations (if you operate by such a timetable or expectations). We all are individuals as much as communities and we need God and grace to have the full freedom to accomplish in us what He wants to do for each of us individually and universally. Christus Vincit, Christus Regnat, Christus Imperat. May God bless each of you in this life, and with Eternal Life.
Viva Cristo Rey,